Ahh, up at 1 in the morning on dA, this REALLY brings back some old memories back in middle school....I hated it but I always had my friends to make up for it....a LOT have left but a LOT have stayed and it makes me so happy that these certain people who have helped me realize i can mold myself and that i'm not all that worthless (still am but maybe not as much as I thought i was)
Listen, I doubt any of you care or are reading this, but i need to get this out.
When I started deviantArt, I was a happy child, and i felt those awww days but i always brushed them off no matter WHAT. I had friends to help me with that along with Sonic and dA actually (and YouTube but that wasn't as meaningful as dA) you guys really helped me forget all the bad stuff and in fact, I didn't really pay attention to all that bad stuff........well......times have REALLY changed....I actually realized I was blinded.....by religion! (not Catholicism itself but those who practiced it to a point where they LITERALLY BRAIN WASH YOU!) Now, i'm not trying to bash the religion, nor am I trying to bash my parents or any others....But I realized now that....you don't HAVE to follow that path, and I always sort of tried to break out of the stuff, but was brought up that it was wrong! Now I see that it's NOT...I still believe there is God...but...I am pretty sure I'm not going to Heaven....I don't want to. I don't want to go to a place where in which if you do not think like the others you are not welcome...NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG I'M NOT SAYING I WANT TO GO TO HELL!! If I do, I go because I held onto my own opinion till the end...I don't think I will, there is another place, a place I've actually always felt dear to my heart in a way even though because of my brainwashing, I wasn't able to fully understand. Under Realm, there are other names for it but I call it that. Now I know for those of you who think I rambling about religion yes I am, but just for now trust me i'm switching topics. In this under realm, I'm not down there for having an opinion, I'm there to do my trials and then either be reincarnated if I chose, or chill there. Which honestly I'd love to be reincarnated but I won't be ME, it's my spirit but it's not ME and in my opinion, your soul if your life source but its NOT YOU, your memories and experiences are who define who you are. Any who, to wrap it all up, after my trials I'm chilling there and if I'm allowed to I'm gonna haunt people in a good way and I'm gonna see if there is anything I can do to maybe help Gaea, idk if I can but I'd totally try, if not maybe help any other gods.
Okay, religious rant over, now onto my life NOW. I honestly DON'T want to be here....that happy go lucky girl....she is slowly fading....it makes me so sad and I try my hardest to hold onto her but....life loves to let her slip from my fingers and the hollow life I have now is left. I want to die, and though my depression isn't as bad as other's, it's getting worse...The fact that I'm fat, my grades, the having to keep the secret that I'm gay to my family (except to those who I accidentally and kind of a little, at least for one and ESPECIALLY MY MOM) and that I'm transgender.....if any more found out before I move out I will probably be kicked out....by my dad....and yeah just shame and shame on top of shame, in which I AM PROUD TO BE GAY but they would literally whip me with words....mother said it's a faze...YEAH BEEN GAY MY WHOLE LIFE, I DIDN'T ACCEPT MYSELF TILL IN BETWEEN 7TH AND 8TH GRADE BUT I ASSURE YOU I'VE HAD THE THOUGHTS OF WANTING TO BE A GUY MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!!!!! So yeah...
Nextly grades, I failed ALL my classes this semester......I'm a fucking failure and I don't want to go back, I'm so scared....I'm terrified........of EVERYONE....and I'm not going to have drama OR being an aide for the only teacher who I feel like they actually CARE other than Mr. Raison the drama teacher............so I'm literally crying because i TRIED and I still FAILED and I just want to give up on life entirely so I won't have to go back........I feel so fucking WORTHLESS and i'm tired of trying just to see the same results.....and my whole life will be filled with getting harder and HARDER.......and the classes go WAY too fast....but since I'm not "mentally challenged" I have to STAY in regular ed classes.....which I hate because, I really am slower than the other kids....I can't even read all that well to be honest, I don't have any disease or anything but....mentally I feel really slow.....and I forget EVERYTHING....and it's so hard to pay attention, my mom keeps saying she'll get me tested to see if I have anything but it's always "later" "later" I mean.......maybe i'm just lazy huh? Maybe that's it, but if that's true then why is it every time I try to pay attention to something, I ALWAYS SPACE OFF! EVEN IF I'M INTERESTED?! But....idk....I'm just lazy......that's it, I'm lazy and I'm a failure....yes
FAT. Like the other two, I've dealt with being fat nearly my WHOLE life so far....and even when I try to lose it, it ALWAYS comes back.........it's just so fucked up.....I think I started over eating when I was getting bullied K-4th grade (but it started showing in the 2nd) .....I wish I were more fit.......even if I was only a couple pounds over weight I wouldn't mind, it'd be easier to get on a treadmill and NOT pass out....I can't control myself over food, GOOD food, it's a bad habit......again another thing I'm useless at at.... "oh I bet you're not THAT fat" trust me, I am.......really big........like, i'm not a sumo wrestler, but I'm getting close....so close.......maybe I'm lazy? Yeah, that's it......
So as you can see life, isn't as simple as it was when I first started here....it was a time where I was EXCITED for middle school....wear I didn't SEE problems.....where life was bright and joyess, the time I saw only what was sugar coated....But I guess like the fat ass I am, I ate all the sugar coating and saw what there really is.....and that there is more and worse to come.....This is why I don't want to live anymore.....but......I have to stay, because I met the most WONDERFUL GIRL!!! We call and skype and chat and role play all the time, she is literally PERFECT! And I promised one day her and I would meet. I feel like with her closer to my life, maybe death won't seem as pleasing as it use to. It's not just her though, and VERY close friends keep me here today too....So, if they read this, they know who they are, I'd like to say THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STAYING IN MY LIFE! THAT GIRL IN NEW YORK, AND THOSE FOUR SPECIAL KIDS WHO TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR LIVES TO TALK TO ME AT LUNCH, YOU PEOPLE HAVE BEEN IN LIFE FOR THE LONGEST TIME AND STILL STAY WITH ME, WHY I WILL NEVER REALLY KNOW BUT YOU DO AND YOU MAKE MY LIFE TEN TIMES BETTER THAN IT COULD HAVE EVER BEEN AND REMIND ME THAT I NEED TO STICK TO LIFE A LITTLE LONGER, AND THANK YOU, ALL FIVE OF YOU, YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME AND HONESTLY I'D BE DEAD TO DAY, I HONESTLY DON'T WANT TO GO ANYWHERE IF YOU'RE NOT WITH ME AND YOU ALL TRULY ARE MY HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!
(this song came on while I wrote the last paragraph on Pandora, and it truly fit the moment in a way, somewhat and i'm sorry I can't stop crying!)